Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
