Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
