Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
