mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just sent this text using only my big toe
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
