last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
