my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm getting married
To pizza
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
