the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My ass is underappreciated
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
