If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hippo gnu deer
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
