Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
