so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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