Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
