I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
