If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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