id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
