She went from zero to smokin in five shots
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i now understand why vodka
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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