I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
