it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
