Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
