I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
