I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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