I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
