she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
