I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
