So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
