I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
