Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Boobs speak an international language.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
