Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm getting married
To pizza
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
