We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
