This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
