She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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