umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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