Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
