What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
