If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
