The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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