My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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