The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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