Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
