I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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