hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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