Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
