Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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