I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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