I wish I could teleport
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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