I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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