how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
