I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
