my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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