So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
