The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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