Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
