Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
